Thursday, 20 April 2017

MY MOTHER IN LAW PASSED AWAY BEFORE SHE EVEN...

Before I even start my story, 
To muslim readers, I hope you can give a sedekah of Al-Fatihah to my late Mother In Law,
Hajah Maimon Binti Bahrum who passed away last Thursday, 13th April 2017 at 3.55 a.m. , 

الفاتحة


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This post is dedicated and specially made for my late mother-in-law even though she is not able to read it, but somehow I hope she knows what my true feelings is. 


I started to do this blog because my husband asked me to do so. Its because we hope that one day we will able to remember on how we met, get to know each other, engaged and get married phrase can be passed down and read by our kid , if God's willing (insyaAllah). 

Let me go through down the memory lane on How I Met My Mother In Law here. 



As what I have wrote on Because your dad was my Classmate P1 , I barely know my husband that much even though we was a classmate. We seriously got to know each other (by means the intention of getting married) for a month before we decided to get engaged. Little did I know and what I hope was to get married this year, 2017. But, my husband asked for my permission if we ever can have it by end of this year, 2016? After a long thought and discussion and in regards of my future mother in law condition's that time, I agreed to his suggestion. Yes. We got engaged on early September and tied the knot on early December. By only meeting on weekends with restricted time, we settled our wedding preparations as best as we could. By that time, even I did not know why I agreed to get married that early. I don't even know about my fiance that much nor his family. The only thing that I knew was his name, his age, his parents house location, and about his mother illness - Cancer Colone Stage 4. Yes, you read it right. She had the cancer for 6 years. She's been fighting it even when the doctor said that it was impossible for her to live that long on the first place. But, I willingly agreed on everything about these whole thing with an open heart after a long thought. 

Everything happens for a reason I always said to myself. And I know, that I agreed on this marriage with an open heart, there must be a reason behind it after all. 

BEFORE THE ENGAGEMENT

So, before we get married, I believe in every culture and every religions that it is compulsory for you to meet the parents first right? To properly introduce yourself and get to know the other side of the family. After my husband met my parents at my house on the 2nd of September 2016, we set a date to meet up his family side on 11th September 2016. That was when I first met my mother in law which the moment I scared most in my life. 

Why?
Because that day was the first time I rode a car with a guy which literally that I knew a week or two afterwards will be my fiance and end of the year is my husband.

I came as the way I am, without putting on makeups much (more to a bare face/naked face - I know, I should put at least some makeup, but I was too nervous that time and my brain couldn't functioned pretty well enough). 

That moment as I about to reach my mother in law house only I knew that his whole family will be there just to see me. Like, seriously? I was dying inside at that time and barely could stand properly afterwards. He calmed me and I calmed myself as I stepped into the house knowing that there's a lady sitting with her best man of her life next to her, waiting for me. 

As I greeted her, shook her white soft hands, I sat next to her blankly. 100% blank face. 
'What should I do? What should I say? I should not mentioned or asked anything about her illness condition. But, I cannot just stay quiet here. I'm dead. I'll fail'
That's what I said to myself. 

After a short introduction of myself which my mother in law started first. We kept quiet for about           5-10 minutes, when she suddenly asked ; 
'Why do you like my son? Do you really like him? Why do you want to get married with him?'
As shocked as I can be for knowing him that short time, I was shocked to hear such questions on the first time meeting this lady. I blinked my eyes and looked towards my husband. 
'Dead. I'm so dead' I said again to myself. 
'It's not like I like your son first on the first place.' I said to myself. 

I smiled and tried to calm myself and gave the most childish answer I ever had, 
'If he likes me, so do I. If your son wants to get married with me, so do I. There's no particular reason much as I barely knew him well too.'
Dead. I'm so dead this time. What a childish answer I gave. 
She smiled and laughed while looking at me when I was still thinking did I ever said the wrong thing. Heh. 


.11th September 2016.
Yes, I smiled that big because I was still nervous until end of the day. 
That was the first picture taken with her and the rest of my sister in laws and my husband lil sis. 


The next Monday or Tuesday if I'm not mistaken, we met up again to buy the 'Risik' ring and the Engagement ring at Pekan Kajang. Again, I was nervous meeting her up. After settled with the rings, we went to the nearest convenient shop, Mydin as my parents in law need to buy some house holds. I walked with my mother in law nervously and she began to talk friendly. She told me what his son like, what his son real habits are, how he treated her etc. Finished with the day, we agreed to have our engagement as simple as we could on the weekend. 

THE ENGAGEMENT DAY
Just a quick fact about my husband. He is the third son from a four siblings. He studied at Japan for almost 6 years and that was the time when my mother in law knew she had a cancer. The closest to her was my husband as my husband is the clingy type one. As he aged, my mother in law worried a lot if he might not even think to settle down. She told me how she always nagged him on settling down and how many times he said no before he met me. She said, it is her wish and prayer every single day that my husband will find someone to settle down with and have his own happy times with a happy family. 

We agreed to have the engagement as simple as we could as we decided to settle down at the end of the year (saving up money). I wore my sister dress, asked for my friend's help for a makeup and only bought a new shawl to match the dress. We had the engagement on the morning and had small feast afterwards. 















.18th September 2016.
This was the very first picture I ever had with this guy which is now my husband. 

The makeup was by my friend which that time, only she knew that I was about getting married soon. After a month later, I only started to tell people that I was about to get married. 


Thank you Fatin for helping me out ❤

After we got engaged, I received a question which even me myself have not yet prepared for it from my fiance that time. He asked, whether is it possible if God's willing, we have a kid as soon as possible? 

I know, some women might say yes. Because they like kids. I like kids too. But, to think of my age and my readiness. I don't think I'm ready yet. FYI, I'm 9 years apart with my husband. So, I have so many things that I wish I could do rather than having a baby as soon as possible. Not that I'm being picky or what, but at that time, I was thinking to further my studies and to have a stable work first. I never have a kid in my picture yet for that time being. So, I kinda like going back and forth running away from answering his questions while answering my dilemma and thoughts. After thinking it through, after taking my future mother in law conditions, I openly said, 'If we ever have the chance to get it early, I will be grateful. But, if its not. We have to wait. Because sometimes God knows the best when you are ready or not to become a parents. No matter how bad we want it, only He knows.' We both then agreed with it. 

LIVING WITH MOTHER IN LAW

We finally and safely tied the knot on 10th December 2016.












and the other side reception was a month after the solemnization date. After we got married, we stayed in at my mother in law's house as my husband house is still in the final stage process of getting the house key from the developer. The other side reception was on 7th January 2017. Yes, it's not a big deal living with your mother in law after you get married. But, not everyone is facing the same situation and never imagine to be in other shoes I guess. My mother in law is a Colon Cancer fighter for the past 6 years and have went through over 40 times or more of chemotherapy.  After we get married, her face was really sick and she barely can get out from bed due to taking meds for her chemotherapy. 

I saw how hard it is for her to fight her illness that she has been bearing for over 6 years. The lady that I always saw with a smile before I got married is now fighting and battling with her life. She kept on saying sorry to me because she didn't have much time to spend with me while I was living with her in the same house. She could not even pass her generation to generations cooking recipes to me. 

At first, I was taking things to heart. I felt abandoned. I felt I was a nuisance. Because I don't really know how to cook much and yet I'm staying at the house without helping with the dishes. There are times when my mother in law able to get back to her feet and clean the house after she went through her chemotherapy. But, most of the times, she needs to rest. I coaxed myself every night I slept with tears that I'm just being so jealous without no reasons and I know my mother in law is not in her good state. I should just struggle myself how to live on my own. I tried to cook my husband favourite meal by googling them, but you see. Ironically is that the taste won't taste the same because the recipe is not the same and the way we are cooking are not the same. Its not that I didn't asked my mother in law on the recipes that my husband like, it's just that I know she need to rest more than teaching me those stuffs. I know things are hard for her enough. And so, I tried very hard to let go of my feelings and just be a stone heart. 

Sometimes, I too even wondered to myself. Why I take things to heart easily? Why I feel jealous to my mother in law that she can be the most perfect woman in my husband's life. Why can't I? I cried so bad to sleep almost every night and struggling to forget things the next day act as if nothing happened. 

THE NEWS WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

So, there's few days before the reception day came and I felt a lil bit unwell. I felt like I had a cramp on my stomach. So, I thought. Not again. I will have my reception with blood? And FYI, I have a very bad menstrual cramp normally which I cannot even walk on the first day (its genetic). So, I was preparing myself with the 'kit' when suddenly my husband became so sad to heard that I said that it was about my time to get my period pain again. But, it took me more than 3-4 days bearing with the cramp and nothing happened. Oddly, I did not have my period!

He braved himself by asking me, 'Can't we go have the urine test once?' I pretty much confident that I will have my period by that time but, to satisfy him. we went to the clinic. But, before that we did bought a urine test which the result was......not what we expected. 

I decided to bought this one at the nearest Watson store as I find it interesting. And this thing is not a cheap one I must say. To use it for 1 time, this is expansive. Well, it's a digital and a new one. So, I gave it a try and it does not satisfied me at all. 

You see, if you put your urine too little or too much, the result will not be shown. I will somehow say, urine is not enough or still showing the hourglass symbol showing that it is not detecting the result. So, I decided to threw it away with a lil bit upset. Because I was eager with this whole new digital stuffs, but it just don't work well. I read the review afterwards, which apparently many women that bought this had the same experience as me. 

So, I decided to buy the traditional and cheap one for a safe. Just randomly bought the cheap one without thinking the brand ofc, I checked it and I surprised myself before I surprised my husband to know the result!  

Alhamdulillah.

We then decided to go to the clinic for a better result. Just to confirm. I was not hoping for it actually but I have to follow my husband anyway. So, we went to the nearest clinic and we have the result! Praised to God (alhamdulillah) that the doctor said I was pregnant for few weeks that time. It was the best moment I ever saw from my husband. He smiled that big and did 'sujud syukur' (kinda like a part of prayer action to show his gratitude and thankfulness to God) . 

He did once said this before we get married, 'I wish that my mother live longer to see we get married and to have a kid of our own'. Alhamdulillah. His wish came true. I was really happy and he was too. He told his mother the good news few hours later. 

MY MOTHER IN LAW REACTION?
My husband told me that he told his mother about the good news and how happy she was at that time though she always stayed in bed fighting her cancer. But, what confused me was. Everytime I went down and met her, she doesn't really smile a lot to me. She advised me not to feel that happy and instead be careful most of the time as its still new and we need to be really careful. So, I keep asking to myself, whether my mother in law is really happy as what my husband told me or not? I keep wondering that because she always have that fierce look on her face. 

I took her advises and we had our reception as the date set. As you can see from her look, she looks so healthy as if she is not having a cancer with the stage 4. She keep on standing strong and firm until our wedding reception day. 




People won't realize that she is fighting the cancer by just looking at her smile.



Everything went well alhamdulillah for the reception. Her wish to see her most beloved son to get married have came true. 

NOT EVERYTHING ENDED AS WE WISH FOR
April, 2017. She kept on getting sick and her face getting pale more than ever. She barely can get out from her bed. And I was struggling with my morning sickness while she is battling to live longer and fulfill her wish. She did said to me, 'I wish I can see your kid but I'm not sure if I'm able to or not'.

After a discussion, we decided to brought her over to the hospital to do a check up on her as she said she doesn't have the appetite to eat and only drink everyday with vomiting for almost a week or more. She lose weight more than ever. The doctor keep her for almost a week and because she is a cancer patient I could not spend my time taking care of her at the hospital. So, my husband is doing so. 



I was wondering to myself, on how strong this woman is. Battling her life with the illness that is no where to be found its source came from. This is what we called a test from God. 


Almost a week after, doctor gave the permission for her to go home. 

We thought everything was good, but nothing can be predicted. The doctor gave her the permission to go back home was because there's nothing more that they could do. The cancer has spread more than we could imagine. For that, doctor advised to bring her back home and be prepared. We told her that she is getting better. We lied. We had to lie. Because we wanted her to survive more. We are too greedy to have her all our life. 

Nothing was changed after we brought her back home. She is getting sick more than we could imagine. But, we kept telling ourselves that everything will go back to normal. 

I had my monthly medical checkup later on 7th April 2017 and I asked my sister help who accompanied me that day to record the baby scan. It was meant for my husband actually, but then we decided to show it to my mother in law since I never showed her the image of the baby from the first time I had it scan. 

I had it in two version, one in 2D, and another was in 3D which we can saw the baby face a bit. As soon as she saw the 3D baby video, she cried so bad and smiled prettily. I sat in front of her and hugged her by her leg and calmed her down. As if she knew that she couldn't not make it to see the baby born. 


A WEEK BEFORE...
I suddenly had a dreamed of giving her a piece of a new 'telekung'. She smiled so bright and happily in my dream by the time I gave her. As I woke up, I told my husband about the dream that I had. And my husband said, 'Mom did ask for a new telekung. We should buy one for her anniversary this Saturday as a gift.' We went to Bangi Sentral and bought a new one for her with a happy face and happy thoughts. 


We bought something like this and she smiled happily while trying it on that day. 

I even bought a soursop puree (no sugar) for her because its said that it can help to treat cancer patients. I made some for her added with some honey. She liked it and smiled as I prepared a bottle for her to drink everyday. 

But, little did we know, she is getting more sick afterwards. 2 days before she passed away, my second brother in law texted my husband saying that mum is not in her good condition. She had a cough with blood. She called for her children at 3.30am. She's been begging to see her children. Small ants started to surrounded her and biting her. Me and my husband rushed to my mother in law the next day first thing in the morning. We didn't know that it was about the time. 

I helped to feed her that morning and wipe her body as she said there's many small ants biting her. There was I'm telling you. The more I wipe, the more it came. I wiped her cough and I saw blood. I hid the blood and she asked, 'Is that blood coming out from my mouth?' No mum. I lied to her. She said, 'Don't lie to me. I know that there's blood.' She kissed me on my forehead and said thank you for doing those stuffs for her. When a minute afterwards she whispered to me, 'The doctor came yesterday. And they said nothing can be done. I knew it Ida. Mum knew it. There's nothing more could be done to me. The cancer has spread. Ida, I love all my children evenly. From my real sons and daughter to my daughter in laws. I love them all evenly. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you or you take things to heart too much on me' No words that I could reply at that time. I hold my tears but it keep falling down. 

To make it short, we sent her to the nearest hospital with a hope they could survive her later on that evening. I drove myself with my sister in law, Eka to the hospital after maghrib prayers. We went to see her later which they admitted her to the Critical Zone. At there, all I could see was 90% practical doctors. I have to searched and called one doctor and asked for procedures to change her to the hospital that she normally been admitted. I asked my sister in law to talked about this with the rest of the family members outside from the room. But, apparently. They rejected her. While everyone was waiting outside and I was accompanying my mother in law in the Critical Zone, I began to realize that she is now changing slowly and acted differently. That's when I realized that it was about the time for her to go. I saw that her white eyes are turning to yellow. Her swollen legs still swollen. She couldn't even talk but gasping for air. I whispered to her, 'Mengucap (say's the God name) mak, mengucap' She didn't changed and acted more differently and I decided to call in my husband and his siblings along with my brother in law. It was the most indescribably moment I have ever had in my life. Losing someone that is near to me. 

My husband and his family had a discussion with the doctors there regarding my mother in law conditions. As they said at first, they could not do anything as she is not their registered regular treated patient here. At 2a.m, my husband sent me back home and the rest was staying at the hospital accompanying my mother in law and hoping that a miracle can happen. 

Around 3.15am I felt asleep with an unease heart when suddenly at 3.50am my husband called my sister in law and I only heard the heartbeat machine sounds. I called my husband back but he did not answered. At 4am. He texted me and said, 'Mak abang dah tak ada sayang.' I cried so bad and was dumbfounded. A moments later I ran downstairs to tell my grandmother (my mother in law's mother) about the news. My grandmother came from Melaka that evening and stayed at the house for that night. I went back up stairs and grab a Yaasin to read it for my late mother in law. 

I was dumbfounded because I could not believe that the time has come. I'm carrying her grandchild that she wish to see by herself. I imagined myself to celebrate my first fasting month (Ramadhan) and Hari Raya with my mother in law. But...God loves her more. 

My husband came back home at 6am later along with my late mother in law's body. Later, my father in law came back and that was the first time I saw he cried. The woman that she's been living with for 40 years is now gone and he is all by himself. No one knows what he feels. No one. 

The next evening we had some 'tahlil (quran recitation for the late of my mother in law), one of my mother in law that sat to me told me. 'Ida, your late mother in law was really happy that at last his beloved son got married and she can witnessed it with her own eyes. She called me almost every day to say her troubles to me. She worries a lot about you but she didn't show it. She cares about you a lot but she didn't show it. By the times she knew that you was pregnant, she couldn't be blessed and asked for more. She called me with tears of joy said - Ida is pregnant. Alhamdulillah. I'm really happy and thankful. Finally. My beloved son will have his own kid. I'm so happy. But, I didn't know if I could make it to see her kid or not. ' I cried so bad hearing that from my late mother in law's friend. 

No one knows what I feel too. People will just simply say, 'Why would you cry much? She is just your mother in law. Not your mother'

First. When you are married to your husband. You are married to his family. And his parents are your parents too. 

Two. My mother in law has been fighting her cancer for over 6 years with over 40 times plus of chemotherapy. And I saw her fighting it with my own eyes.

Three. I lived with my parents in law as soon after I got married and I know her changes. I know how hard she is to keep her life fighting.

Four, people just don't feel what I feel and not went through what I went through. 

Say whatever you want about me crying so bad on my mother in law lost. But, once you have the same situation as mine. You can talk about me. I don't mind by that time. 

Alhamdulillah. My mother in law went with an ease. She smiled as it looks like on our wedding day. Her face was clean and white. Pure white not a pale white. And her lips are red as if she still alive and her smell was calming others. 

Some people said, everything was made easy for her as she always help others, ease others, give donations, never hold a grudge type of person and always support other cancer patients too whenever she visited the hospital for her chemotherapy session check up. Up until her last day and moments at the house before we sent her to the hospital, she still want to perform her prayer. She still remember that she need to perform her prayer. No matter how sick and how struggle she was at that time battling for her life, she still remember the one who created her. Alhamdulillah. 

She had the exact smile on the last time I saw her before they buried her. 

Alhamdulillah mak. Everything went well. 
Now you can rest with ease at there and no more pain for you to endure. He loves you more than us. 
May we meet again in the hereafter mak. I will try my best to take care of your son on your behalf. 


Everything happens for a reason I always said to myself. And I now, I know the reason why I married with a guy that I barely know with.

الفاتحة


 Hajah Maimon Binti Bahrum
13.04.2017
3.55 a.m.